Sometimes I find myself checking myself when I’m in the shower. Checking my head and my chest to see if those familiar anxiety signs are there. Sometimes it can take me a couple of days to realise they are not. That’s the thing about anxiety, when it’s there, it’s really there. But when it’s not, you can fail to recognise the sense of normality and calm you are feeling. Until it’s too late.
Today I woke up and checked myself. I have no symptoms today at all, I feel generally upbeat and I should have no problem driving to work.
Unless writing this blog makes all the anxiety come back.
It’s rare that I take the time to appreciate when I’m feeling good, when I actually feel like I may be a normal person. Sometimes there is far too much focus on the bad. I focus on the anxiety when I have it and think back to the last time I had it rather than the last time I felt good. I suppose when you are in the midst of it, it can be an extremely hard task to remember how it feels to be anxiety free.
I am certainly not saying that today is the day that I’m going to accomplish all my goals. Although I feel anxiety free I know that the little niggle I feel while writing about it has the ability to turn into a full blown panic attack. About nothing. Obviously.
I am realistic with my anxiety and realise that on these rare days I need to just enjoy them. Enjoy being normal. There is no point trying to push myself into things that are still difficult. Just because I have no symptoms doesn’t mean I’m suddenly going to face going into a busy bar with a new found confidence.
Look at me! I’m cured.
Today I’m not cured. I’m just a little bit closer to being able to deal with things a little bit better. Pushing myself into a crowded bar will certainly transport me into my world of fear and panic. But that’s okay, I am accepting the fact I am going to have good days and bad days while learning how to deal with, and ultimately recover from this illness.
So today is hopefully going to be a good day. A day where anxiety pisses off and annoys someone else for a day. And I’m going to not think about it.
Or at least try.