I can’t stop thinking about something someone said to me three days ago. It was an off the cuff comment by someone who doesn’t really understand what I have been through. Long story cut short. I was stressing out loud to the people I regard as my safe group. The ones I can speak freely to, tell my worries with out judgement.
I was expressing a worry I had and I was told, by someone (who is not in my safe group,) to ‘chill out and not think about it.’
I replied with my usual ‘haha, if only it was that easy.’
But my flippant reply didn’t quite calm the feeling I had inside. Where I realised that although I try to surround myself with people who understand me and my constant worries there are always going to be people that won’t. People that will try to burst that safety bubble I have put around me and make me question myself.
My self conscious nature meant this one comment made me think that everyone must find me an anxious pain in the ass and this individual was clearly just saying what everyone else was thinking.
But it also made me think about the next step in my recovery. The step where I need to learn to deal with people not always saying what I want to hear. Yes, the people close to me now know the right things to say to me but there is always going to be the challenge of those who don’t.
I’m so sensitive. In my head I feel people should watch what they are saying when around me.
‘Eh, hello? Don’t you know I have an-xi-ety?! How dare you say something that might upset me?’
I’m beginning to realise life isn’t like that. That people aren’t always going to know my situation and be able to filter what they are saying. I need to take a step closer to reality, a world where not everything goes through the ‘be careful what you say’ filter.
It’s really hard when you are trying to get better from something when there are so many things that could get in your way. The problem with anxiety is that you can meet it in any situation, the only way to avoid it is to lock yourself away from anything and anyone.
I’ve tried that and it’s not a solution.
So my next step is looking for strategies to deal with the sorts of situations that make my anxiety increase. So I don’t have to hide away, avoiding social gatherings for the fear that someone might say something which makes me question myself.
I am waiting for my first appointment with CBT therapy and hope that will be the first step to achieving this. My anxiety has taken a massive leap where it is becoming unpredictable and I am struggling to control it. I need to get it back in its box and learn how to manage it again.
I just want to get back to normal.